Funny Quotes

Read or share Funny Quotes your favorite social networks like Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. – Jose Maria de Eca de Queiroz

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. – Brian Gerald ODriscoll

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes. – Albert Einstein

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. – Marilyn Monroe

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. – Bill McGlashen

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. – Sam Levenson

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. –Earl Wilson

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. – Mark Twain

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. – Will Rogers

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Steven Wright

Read more Funny Quotes